i recently broke up with my boyfriend. we only dated for 5 months, but he was my first for a lot of things, including sex. However since this one thing happened between us, i havent been able to stop thinking about it. i was very very drunk, and it was off my own back that i had drunk this much, but he was sober. i was at the point where i was going in and out of consciousness, which i never have done before because i know drinking can be bad. i woke up to me and him having sex. and then i fell unconscious again. the next day i brought it up to him, asking him to not do that again. he told me that by being drunk i was begging for it, and that we did it twice. i dont even remember the first time because i was unconscious/cant remember due to alcohol. he told me that if i told anyone that he would get in lots of trouble and i wouldnt want a boyfriend that was in trouble for that. so i didnt tell a soul. and i sort of blamed myself for it, i didnt drink again around him. during our relationship he would also hurt me physically and emotionally, but i told my friend this after we broke up the other week and she told me this was rape. i dont know if it is rape or not and im confused. i messaged him telling him how i felt the other day, and he replied admitting to it and calling it rape as well. but that word is so scary, do you think this is rape?
Sam
Hi there,
Lots of people struggle with feelings of confusion or even guilt when they’re trying to understand what’s happened to them. Rape is when someone has sex with you without your consent.
Someone can’t give consent when they are unconscious or too drunk to do so, which means what happened to you is rape. It’s really important to remember that what happened wasn’t your fault and that you’ve not done anything wrong.
Consent means understanding and agreeing to do something. It must be given freely, clearly, and enthusiastically every single time. Consent isn’t automatic, and if someone isn’t absolutely sure that you’re consenting, then it’s their responsibility to stop. When you’re too drunk to know what’s happening, you cannot give consent.
Sometimes people will use threats of manipulation to shift the blame of what they did onto you, but that’s not okay. What happened isn’t your fault.
Processing what happened can take time, and you shouldn’t have to cope alone. Telling a friend about what happened is a really brave and important step. There are lots of ways to keep getting help, and there are rape crisis centres around the country that can offer support in a safe and non-judgemental environment.
When going through a difficult time it’s important to look after your well-being. Things like spending time with people you feel safe with or doing things you enjoy can be helpful. It’s also okay to let yourself feel the different emotions as they come up. The Coping Kit has a lot of things to try to help with different thoughts and feelings.
Remember, Childline counsellors are also there to give you a space to talk whenever you need to.
Take care,
Sam
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