Ask Sam letter

Hi there,

Thanks for your letter. It sounds like you’ve been feeling really torn between your religion, your mum’s wishes and how you feel about your boyfriend. It’s not easy to decide what you feel is best in this kind of situation but I’m glad that you felt able to write to me about it.

Every parent can choose to raise their children as they feel is best. What this can mean is that different children and young people can be brought up with all different kinds of beliefs. When you’re very young what you see at home is often what is normal for you. But as you get older, it’s really natural to start questioning what you feel is best yourself, what you believe and what you want for the future.

One of the most difficult parts of getting older and questioning things is that sometimes what you feel is best starts to go a different way to what your parents think is best for you. As you start to want more independence it can even lead to there being tension or arguments between you and your parents. It sounds a lot like this has started to happen between you and your mum, with her not letting you leave because you might meet boys and you wanting to because you’re seeing a boy who you love and trust.

What is it like when you try to talk to your mum about going out? Sometimes it can be that because what you both feel is best is changing, it can make it harder for you both to understand each other’s point of view. It could even be that your mum is worried about losing the person that she loves. When you spoke about your boyfriend for example it sounded like there’s been a massive part of your life over the last 13 months that she’s not been able to see any part of.

Even being able to start a conversation like this with your mum can be incredibly difficult, but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible. There’s some really helpful advice on ways to go about it on our Being assertive page.

It sounds like your religious beliefs are an important part of your life at the moment. It seems like you believe that your relationship with this boy is considered to be unacceptable. Adults in the UK have the right to be in a relationship with any other adult they choose to as long as they both agree to be in the relationship. Unfortunately there are people who will be against this for different reasons. However it’s important to remember that as you get older you do have the right to make these kinds of choices for yourself.

When you’re thinking about what you want to do next, your wellbeing is more important than anything else. It's important that you’re thinking about what will help keep you safe. Sometimes talking to your family can not feel possible, and it can be good to think about ways that you can speak to your boyfriend to look at what is best and safest for you for the time being. You might find it helpful to speak to other young people going through the same things on the ChildLine message boards, where there’s sections for family, relationships and even faith and religion.

You might find it really helpful to talk this through all of this with a ChildLine counsellor. They’re there to give you a space to talk openly about what you feel is best, or just to have some time to talk about what things have been like for you. You can contact ChildLine by having a 1-2-1 online chat, by calling for free on 0800 1111 or even sending an email.

Take care,
Sam